diary of a mad man
by pugz-britt
Summary: created by pugz


My diary`  
  
Name: Jimmy Angel Age: 16 Dare of birth 13/11/85  
  
Wednesday 11th July 2001, my motto for today is ' tell people how you feel because you don't know if they'll be there tomorrow or even if tomorrow will even come.' I have decided to start a diary of everything that happens in my life, as I have nothing else to do. This is my second day off school with the flu I feel weaker than yesterday, i've began to vomit and now I'm starting to shiver. I don't know how many entries I can put in here I will try. Over the past two months my life's been hell. Everything is going wrong. I feel like I'm going around in circles. I regret everything that I say so I wonder why I bother even talking. I can't really have a decent conversation because I can't seem to say what I want to say to me everything comes out wrong. I shed to many tears last night, but now i'm going to cry some more. My eyes are sore every tear hurts!  
  
Tuesday 17th July 2001, my motto for today is 'never take it for granted that your health id perfect not everyone lives a life of good health!!!' My health has improved and i'm sorry I didn't write anything for the past 6 days but i've been too ill to type. I feel no better on the emotions side, infact I feel worse. I still can't seem to explain to people what I feel so I guess I write it. I'm well enough to going back to school tomorrow. Great that's all I need. To make thing even worse for some reason my hearing has suffered from the resent out break of flu so i'm going to the doctors tonight to get it sorted. Wish me luck. I need so muck luck to get though this if I do i'm the luckiest man alive!  
  
Saturday 4th august 2001, my motto for today is 'watch what you say you never know how they going to react.' Since I last wrote I have not had time to write anything because of school and going in and out hospital to find out why I suddenly lost my hearing. Well its turned up that it is a disease that can only be cured by operation and this is a very risky business, but basically they want to remove the skin of my ear drum and replace it with new skin, but things could go wrong if they found that my ear drum was to badly damaged they would just simply remove it. I have summed up my feelings in a kind of short letter well it is not that short but if I wrote everything I wanted to say I would be here all week:  
  
Please refrain your self from sorrow, If you feel like cry save your teats for someone else, This is the first out of two letters after the last I'm going to kill my self, I don't know what's harder saying good-bye to your family or my only friend I can trust, The rest of them don't even give a s**t when I do finally leave, I've tried it before so don't try to stop me it'll only hurt you more, When you start thinking: could I have stopped him doing it? Well the answer is no you never will nothing you say will change this, My minds made up, What is the point in living in a world where I have no hope or future? Any way these worlds just messed up, my minds just messed up so the world would be a better place without me. My ex mates keep saying it would and Tom's even going to help me do it. Your loves is no use to my now, You never gave it before so why do you give a s**t all of a sudden, Good question do you give a s**t or you just saying don't leave because you have, things to say that you should say all the time, Things that you wanted to say but couldn't. Well I live in regret my whole life is one sorrow after another, everyone else don't run screaming from most people so what's different with me, Do I really disgust you or is it just fashion, I am no longer fashionable, Like a toy you play with it once then throw it away, Well when we had sex you never said you loved me all you said was: "that's the best sex I've ever had but your dumped, "I think that's all we want from a guy like me 'sex' init? Because word got about. But now everyone says I am microscopic, But only two people has seen it. so how can you justify another persons man hood on only looks alone, Just because I don't look attractive I don't mean I'm small, gay and unpopular. If only you had got to no me before my time was up, You would have seen a sweet thing but no you had to judge people on appearances, Not personality I thought you were different, but you all the same: All bitches, all after money, and the most handsome guy they can find, Well most people who are "cute" have the IQ of an ape!!!  
  
Well this is bye for now.  
  
  
  
Dieing 1st September 2001: my motto for today is ' always be prepared for the worst, because the worst always happens'. I am writing now to tell you about my new idea to waste sometime and it keeps me busy. I have designed a survey here goes. I see? Blurred images of how life was before  
  
I need? Love  
  
I find? The most depressing songs and understand them  
  
I love? Lucy  
  
I hate? My body  
  
I fear? Life  
  
I hear? Linkin park- the end  
  
I crave? A computer  
  
I search? For a peaceful life  
  
I wonder? What people actually think or feel about me...a couple of thing spring to mind.  
  
I regret? Everything I say When was the last time you...Smiled? Last month on camp  
  
Laughed? Can't remember not in the last year.except my fake laugh I put on when I think something was funny  
  
Cried? Most nights so I can go to sleep  
  
Were sarcastic? I'm eternally sarcastic.  
  
Had a nightmare? Yesterday (yesternight doesn't sound right) A last time for everything...  
  
Last song you heard? Linkin park - the end about 20 times I cried for every second.  
  
Last time you showered? I haven't showered since Monday I cant.  
  
Last thing you ate? It was yesterday... don't remember Do you... Smoke? Hell no  
  
Do drugs? Yeah drink and drugs are all I've got left. How could I resist the temptation  
  
Sleep with stuffed animals? Yes, a rabbit and a sheep (no jokes please).  
  
Live in the moment? I live outside of moments  
  
have a girlfriend? Kind off  
  
Have a dream that keeps coming back? Yes, and it scares me...its something to do with my surgery  
  
Believe there is life on other planets? Yes  
  
Remember your first love? Yeah, kind of...  
  
Still love her? Yeah I love everyone who I have loved in the past  
  
Believe in miracles? Yes  
  
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? YES  
  
Consider yourself tolerant of others? Uh, that's a definite no  
  
Consider love a mistake? Never.  
  
Like the taste of alcohol? Ummmmm beeeerrrrrr  
  
Believe in magic? Yes  
  
Believe in God? Hell no!. He coming to take us away  
  
Pray? To Zingdong, god of shiny things  
  
Have any secrets? More than I want, and none your going to know  
  
Do well in school? Yes  
  
Go to or plan to go to college? Yes.  
  
Have a major? Nope  
  
Hate yourself? Well that's a stupid question, who would say no?  
  
Have an obsession? No, I have an addiction.  
  
Have a best friend? None I can trust except.  
  
Wish on stars? Wishes are replacements for dreams, and dreams belong to those who have the guts left to dream in this godforsaken world.  
  
Like your handwriting? Are you taunting me?  
  
Have any bad habits? Who doesn't?  
  
Care about looks? Not really. If I did, I would stay locked away from the world.ok, bad reason there.. enough said...  
  
Believe in witches? Yes  
  
Believe in ghosts? HELL YES! I have on in my house. Why did you answer this? Just wasting time, I'm going to curl up and die now  
  
As I slowly cut the top layers of skin on my wrist and expose the veins. I as fast as I can though the veins before I finally pass out. I woke up 5 days later in hospital. I lived!! Why? How? Who? Well why, because my mum found me. Who, my mum. How, microsurgery piecing my viens back together. I survived so next time I wont!  
  
2nd September 2001 As I sit here I have no clue of what is happening in the world around me, As I stand here I have no clue what is in the room around me, As it is spinning, When I stand up its like a ride: You stay on it as long as you can, be sick, Then collapse as you try to get off, What the point in standing any way, I'm all alone in this world, No ones around me, I'm suffering, Nobody cares, Not a single card did I get? I never do, Only now as I sit here in class do people care, But all I care bout is 'how do I get home for dinner,' I've been forced to come to school, Even in this state have I not been spared form suffering, Only you (the reader of this diary) can save this lost, forgotten, dieing puppy. From even more sorrow. NEVER FORGET ME.  
  
3rd September 2001 Dear equitant I have no real reason for writing this, but I have no real reason for living. Im just writing to give some advice on how not to f**k your life up:  
  
Free your body and mind Unfold your power within Climb the highest mountain and live life a little Kick you feet up and relax whenever you can You will now live alone with me but never forget. Or return to your childhood grave Unless you feel you feel the need to end up like me  
  
Do you get my hidden message in my advice? I'm to weak I can write no more at present  
  
4th September 2001, my moto for today is 'start the day with a smile and get it over with'. My life has just gone from bad to very bad because my mind is slowly going insane, I can't seem to think straight. Everything becomes a blur, I found my self doing things that I cant give a reason for doing it. Like yesterday I found my self-talking to my self!! Am o insane or just paranoid? Now some fools decided to start bulling me again, and it's making my life even more unbearable. This is all I need. Should I wait to see if life gets better or end it now? Well I suppose I should end it and then its over no more suffering, I cant do my self no more harm. Well here is my last letter:  
  
Please refrain from any type of sorrow, If you feel like crying save the tears for tomorrow. Because tomorrow will never come for me. I made the decision to end my life for no particular reason none at all, I just got tired of living. That's all. Life lost its flavour to me, everything started looking so bland. It felt so pointless living in a world smeared with bulls**t everywhere I walked I'd be stepping in it. I feel that for myself death will be better than life, Suffocation better than breathe, hanging better than friendship. I'm just tired of being ethical in a completely unethical world. I'm tired of being told to take the straight path, when I'm the most crooked person I know. I no longer want to live in a world where I'm afraid to love why I choose to love. I'm no longer interested in a world where war of skin colour is a bigger battle then WWI and WWII put together, or where something cant be mentioned or made fun of. I refuse to live in a world where trees are illegal and cigarette Aren't, An herbal essence versus a pile of toxic s**t. I refuse to live in a world where the government's oral recreation is a bigger deal then the poverty laying less then 420 ft from number 10 Downing Street. A world where millions & millions of pounds are shredded on a daily basis-now tell me what kind of sense does that make? A world where hate has become the basis for living, a place where happiness no longer exist. A place where death is viewed as a down side. I can no longer live to die I'd rather just not live at all. With death I'm looking for a sounder way of living. Be glad for me because I am no longer suffering. Be glad for me I have found complete peace by now. Be glad for me I have found my innersole. Live on and live strong. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Let bravery stand across your chest since it missed mine. Wipe your tears, and don't ever forget me, I will never forget you! I will b dead by the time you finish reading this so your love is no use to me now. You could have given me your love before but what's your accuse? YOU COULDN'T BE ARSED could you? Well I hope for all you people that didn't give a s**t, you live the rest off your life in regret!  
  
Why does nobody answer my cries?  
  
I hope all you that hate me are happy now. Look what you've driven me to. Death by a high voltage in the middle of the night so nobody can stop me so at least I won't fail! This time and I have left copes of my last letter all over and have mailed them to everyone. So at least this wont is one suicide that is covered up. I would just like to say to anyone else in this world that is suffering: if u are suffering try to do something before it's too late. If you are past help find a way to die that suits your mood you can tell a lot about the person from their death. 


End file.
